So I bought these red pants. I got the idea that I needed to have a pair, and after significant online research* this is the one upon which I decided. You know, because if you're going to get red pants, you might as well go all the way.
I ordered them online and waited excitedly, whiling away the days by posting this photo on Facebook. A couple of dozen people weighed in. "They remind me of Dittos," one said, referring to the 70s jeans that featured big bell bottoms, bright colors and a booty-loving cut. "I think I had these in the sixth grade," said another. Some people loved them, some hated them. A few kindly assured me, "You can pull them off."
Now, this is true of me. I generally can pull off the slightly outlandish ensemble. There's a freedom in being odd-looking to begin with, and I am on the tall side, both of which help. And please don't hate me, but clothing tends to fit me. (I think it's the consolation prize I got for being pale, deaf in one ear, and debilitatingly anxious, plus other even less attractive traits I'm not fool enough to point out.)
The pants finally arrived. Since so many had been asking about them, I announced
the news on Facebook. "Try them on!" people exhorted. "Post a photo!" So I did. To be honest, I was wondering about the fit. Particularly in the front. They looked funny in a way I'll only describe using the words of the great philosopher Clinton Kelly: "The little nubbin in the boat." It appears, he writes, "when a woman is wearing pants that are too tight in the thigh, too loose in the waist and too high in the rise." The only solution: Buy the pants in a bigger size and tailor them down.
Long story short: I called the store. I ordered a second pair of red pants the next size up. I waited excitedly for them to arrive. They showed up today, I tried them on. The little nubbin was still there, only this time the pants were too big. No tailor in the world could save these pants for me.
Both pairs went back this afternoon. I'm a little sad they didn't fit. But as my fashion writer friend Teri pointed out on Facebook, "Like most good dressers, you are well aware that you will be truly satisfied when you get EXACTLY what you want...."
She's right. What do you all think of these?
*Dear friends who keep asking about my third novel: This is why it is taking so long.