when fashion attacks
Sunday, April 11, 2010 at 7:58AM I went to a mall in Connecticut last weekend. There aren't many malls in New York City, so this was a rare excursion.
Into fashion hell, it turns out.
I'm not by nature a mall-hater, as most New Yorkers are. I grew up in Southern California, where there have got to be ten malls per square mile. Some of my favorite college memories involve clothing I bought at the Glendale Galleria. So either I have changed, or mall style has become astonishingly hideous.
Women of America, this is what Big Fashion wants you to wear this season:
Clockwise from top left: Ugly, garish, tacky, cheesy, cheap, chintzy. 1. Disco tops. And lots of 'em. It seems we gals are supposed to dress as if we're at Studio 54 in 1978, in jewel-encrusted polyester with (because three pounds of rhinestones aren't embellishment enough) enough folds, drapes and ruching to rival the window treatments at Versailles—if Marie Antoinette had had a soft spot for colors like Electric Peach and Aqua Jamboree. The thing is, Studio 54 closed ages ago. So where are we supposed to wear this stuff—to the office? To the PTA meeting? To walk the dog?
You shoulda seen the one that got away. No, never mind; it's just as bad as this one.2. Fish shoes. No matter where you choose to sport your flammable bedazzled heinousness, be sure to reel in a pair of these scaly, Pepto-Bismol-pink pleather beauties.
Victoria's Secret is that she's on a very bad acid trip.
And underneath it all, don't forget the 3. Neon rainbow cheetah underpants and zebra-striped bra. Or should I say ze-bra?
There's hope for the shoppers at this mall, at least. On the way out, I did notice this sign, a soothing balm to my poor seared eyeballs...
Hurry, Clinton, hurry! Yes, that's right. Clinton Kelly's Make Over America took place yesterday afternoon at this very mall.
I wonder if Clinton survived, though.
The whole mall is What Not To Wear.
Connecticut, What Not to Wear, cranky old-lady rants, fashion
Reader Comments (2)
OK, don't not believe me because I've said this before: I love EVERY WORD of this piece and would be el oh el if my kiddos weren't slumbering @ the moment... just perfect. I think those nasty polyester sacks are for wearing after one has consumed one's first? second? third? KFC "Double Down 'Sandwich'"...or maybe *while* consuming, b/c they can also be used as a napkin. HEY...maybe you could recommend a groovy win-win bundled marketing situation for both retailers...you are a published writer of some clout, after all.
Gotta run--must chug some Pepto after seeing that shoe. <urp>
Where were those fish shoes when we did that '70s sorority party? And, all that polyester in your pictures has caused me to break out in hives! Polyester is NOT a fabric! It's plastic. Why not just wear a hefty bag?